Just Trying to Keep Them From Wasting
     Father Aloysius Patrick MacGilacutty III of County Cork admitted to authorities today that he was the source of the anabolic steroids found with the Anglican nuns in Mogadishu. The nuns were in the Horn of Africa trying to convert large herds of Muslims in the last virgin region in Africa. Their efforts were rebuffed however by the Greek and Eastern Orthodox tribes of nuns. Ultimately, the Greek Orthodox nuns prevailed in the Risk game using an unorthodox rear guard action.
     Father MacGilacutty denied providing the steroids for use as performance enhancing drugs. Instead, he claimed that he gave the steroids to prevent the nuns from wasting in the African desert. "Look, they were out there fighting the good fight, crusading for God and church and I just thought that they would need something to keep from wasting. I mean came you imagine what a wasted nun would look like?" he asked rhetorically.

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Geography Exam Final Straw
     The Iraq Study Group, set up by President George Bush to advise him of options dealing with Iraq, has flunked out of school. "We did not flunk out, we merely withdrew," said Richard Pearle a leading hawk on starting the Iraq War. "Besides, what if we did flunk out? It doesn't mean we can't still give advice to the President. We have his ear you know. And withdrawals are what it's all about these days. Think of this as an strategic advance not a retreat," he added.

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      Continuing the flood of resignations as the exodus from the White House begins a bit early, Karl Rove, one of the President's closest advisors and the subject of derision in the press and scorn among his opponents resigned today. He cited a need to spend more time with his family.

     The President had this to say about Rove's leaving. "We are really happy that Karl re-signed and agreed to stay the course. That's what a good man should do and Karl is a good man. I believe in him. And when you believe in somebody, you protect 'em. That's what I do. I make decisions and I protect. I protect the people of this great country from a house of dominos and I make decisions all day long."

      "Well, as I said, it is great to know that I have the backing and trust of someone I believe in. Karl will work closely with me and Rummy in the coming years to help fight tearists. And he's a good man for the country. I'm glad he re-signed."

     It was not immediately apparent to reporters what the President  meant or understood. Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow who also resigned was unavailable for comment on the President's remarks.

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President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza
     President Bush, in anticipation of the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers catastrophe in New York on September 11th, 2001, denied all intelligence about the war in Iraq. Speaking at a Republican fund raiser in Coto de Caza, California, Bush said that while he did make the decision to go into Iraq, he was not involved in the planning or conduct of the war. This astounding acknowledgment of the true role he played in the war making process seems to contradict the positions of many of his deputies.

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
     "I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

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Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
     Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

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